Thursday, January 29, 2009

Zen Archangelism COSW 03 Thy Archangel Goes AWOL...

The Chronicles Of Super Witch 03
->Thy Archangel Goes AWOL...


I have this horrible habit of leaving my house in an instant, without telling anyone where I'm going- Mind you I never have any destination in mind either, I'm just being drawn outdoors for no apparent reason and I just keep walking till one of 2 things happen:

#1- I find a spot or space where I feel centered, at which point I receive my spiritual 'downloads' if you will- I usually call them 'in-coming messages from the big giant head'. BGH = God/dess

#2- It becomes evident that I'm being called into service by God/dess whenever I happen upon some stranger who needs my help with something.

I used to drive my parents NUTS whenever I tried explaining myself, they always thought I was being sarcastic when they asked where I was going and I answered with "who knows, I have no idea, wherever my feet take me, wherever I end up, beats me-ask the God/dess, or Just OUT!" Question

But at the time, there was just no other way to explain it that would have made sense. I have even driven ex-boyfriends nuts-not thinking of course, because my intent is always pure and religious when I fly out the door, but the jealous few don't see it that way- and if you offer them an invite to come with you, a fight about trust ensues. Usually because I felt accused or attacked and got a tad defensive.

My point is, sometimes being a Witch has cost me relationships that otherwise would have worked out fine. I found myself repeatedly wondering if in fact I was put here strictly to serve God and Goddess and deny myself an eternal, lasting or even remotely intimate relationship with anyone.

I questioned wether or not it's ALLOWED for me, (being who I am, and blessed with the knowledge, gifts and powers I have), to even truly love anyone else at all, aside from kindred souls, friends and family members etc. Much less If I am entitled to accept love from others.

This may sound retarded to some, but to those of you who are like me, it makes too much sense- which is why I'm sharing it. I have always been made to feel SELFISH by those who already have everything they want in their lives- whenever I decided I was going after something I want for a change. As opposed to doing everything for everyone BUT myself-and if there were such a thing as a sin -I think making generous people feel guilty for having their own needs is definately gotta be on the list somewhere- Personally, I find it f*kked up that the greedy always succeed while the generous always fail. What the Hell is up with that anyway???

Because of being so concerned for everyone ELSES feelings, I spent my younger years playing romantic leap-frog, through no fault of my own, but more of a misunderstanding . My Parents HATED Everyone I dated- and if they did like someone- it was only to the persons face-behind their backs it was the opposite.

Then I of course would end the relationship- due to stress from my family that I just couldn't take anymore, and have to endure the 20 questions from them: Why cant you settle down? When are you getting married? Why are you so afraid to be alone? ETC until I just ended up snapping on everyone in my family and telling them to mind their own business. MY family has driven me SO FAR BEYOND insane with their OWN insecurities that I was almost convinced that I was destined to either spin out and be alone in the woods with the cats, or just say fuck it all, snap and commit suicide.

I was stuck between my family driving me off the deep end, and my spiritual path, and if that wasnt enough stress to damned near kick my ass, I began to wonder if I wasn't supposed to date at all. If I was only being called into service to heal or help that person in some way, but there arose an attraction of an 'unspeakable' nature- Embarassed that literally screwed everything up, Shocked and instead of healing and helping I was hurting and harming, not only the 'subject', but also myself. OOPS!

But I'm not one for cluing in right away, oh no, you see, I had to repeat this same vicious cycle for 1.5 decades, and sometimes, even now, I still wonder- Am I doing the right thing here or the selfish thing???

Because of having been tormented by 2 CRAZY Foster families, I grew up with several nervous disorders, and other problems, for example: ADD, OCD, Depression and the list goes on. And when shit gets too much for me -this happens A LOT!- I need to get up and get out like RIGHT EFFIN NOW! ala Forest Gump- and run far far away from everyone and everything because if I don't find my center, I will start to hate it all.

And once I hate something, I can't Un-Hate it. I was born without the ability to forgive or forget. I have tried perscribed meds, illegal meds etc to try to 'normal up' so to speak, and none of it works. the only thing that works for me is Nature, surrounding myself with all 5 elements is the only thing that gives me ease.

And when indoors, I have to Fake it- I have learned to set up my home & altar in order to trick all of my senses,

For example:
Air: I open windows, use aromatherapy, incense, etc

Fire: I use a fireplace or Candles.

Earth: Herbs, A fresh twig from some tree, rocks, sea salts, etc.

Water: a luxurious shower or bath, home spa if you will, complete with bubbles, oils bath bombs you name it.

Spirit: Honestly, indoors to soothe my soul I get creative and artistic, I write, paint, listen to music, wood burn, sew, concoct something cool, or design web sites etc, I do what I LOVE TO DO- not what anyone else wants me to.

And NO! I don't feel selfish for it, it would be more selfish to deny myself the God/dess given RIGHT to meet my own needs. Why? As, the lady on the Loreal commercial says: Because I'm Worth it, and so are each and everyone of you. So in the words of my life partner: GET ER DONE!

-Archangel Tanahmera
All articles in this topic are my own and are © copyright Born Again Wiccan 2015. All rights reserved.

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